new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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