all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
