I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
