Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize