I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
