I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
