I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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