I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
