He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
