I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
