I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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