So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
