She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
