can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
