how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
