Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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