I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
