Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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