my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
