the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
