sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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