tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
