hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
