I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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