Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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