I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
