i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
