sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
