Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
