I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
