i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
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