3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
