That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
