Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
