Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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