I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
