Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
