He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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