my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
