Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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