im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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