what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
