i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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