Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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