we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
