they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
try to milk me bitch
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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