Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
