Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
