Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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