Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
