there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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